Sacrifice: the House or the Sanity?
Evidently I have some issues I haven’t been addressing.
I’m sitting in my kitchen, which is currently a pit, along with the playroom, the library, the front hallway, and the stairway - oh, and the 1st floor, and the 2nd floor, wondering what the hell happened to my house.
So. There is shit EVERYWHERE and I’m trying to decide how much I should care about it.
I didn’t used to care. Really. (Somewhere there’s a post I should link to, but I can’t find it and I’m in a hurry.) The way the house looked didn’t bother me. But when we put the house on the market, I really liked the way it looked. Granted, it was a complete pain in the ass to keep up, but I didn’t ever have to worry about spontaneous visitors (because we had so many).
So, when we moved here, I thought I’d keep up the system: clean kitchen, nothing on the counters, a place for everything, no toys out at the end of the day, blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
Well, um…it’s not working and I’m slowly going crazy(er).
In the time I spend trying to keep the house in top shape, I feel like I’m missing out on London - which is completely STUPID - and missing out on blogging - which keeps me sane.
People? I can’t even explain how happy it makes me to spend time writing…even if it is just about the kind of day I had. And I LOVE that there are people out there who make time during their day to read about it (though if you’re not married to me or in my immediate family, I don’t exactly know why).
And when people comment? Ho-ly shit! I get so excited.
It almost feels like I’ve had a conversation with someone out there and they’ve listened and completely understood - and expressed it to me (even though they probably didn’t, and I haven’t actually spoken to a person, and this makes me sound like I talk to people who aren’t there, but I don’t, and I don’t hear voices either…I swear.).
Clearly I love to do it - I do, or I would have given up already. But lately it’s come to feel like an obligation - something I need to check off on my list of Things To Do Today. And it always seems to be one of the 22 things that goes undone at the end of the day. And it kind of stresses me out.
I’m kind of tired of it stressing me out, so I thought about stopping, or saying that I won’t post every day, but neither of those are feasible. I don’t want to stop because it lets all of our fam and friends know what the kids are up to, and it’s Heidi CHRONICLES for Pete’s sake. It SHOULD be daily.
However, it’s starting to feel like I end up spending all of my “free” time doing keeping up with posts because that’s the only time I have to do it. As a result, I don’t get to quilt, or scrapbook, or read, or have a nap on the sofa. In other words, I don’t have any time that I consider true “leisure” time.
Basically, I want to be able to keep up with the house and the blog daily AND have leisure time. (How’s that for having and eating my cake?)
Unfortunately, there’s a problem with trying to get it done as part of of the day because if I spend time doing something I want to do, then the house stays trashed. I feel guilty when there are toys everywhere; laundry to be put away; breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, and a healthy dinner to be prepared; the dishwasher is empty but there are dirty dishes on the counters - which are filthy; and the kitchen table is filled with toys, cereal boxes, bills, cups, junk mail, etc. to the point that everyone has to bulldoze out an area to eat.
See…A goes to work during the day, so I feel like if I’m not working on the house all day - as well taking care of the kids - that he’s going to think I am a total slacker. And, the messy house would drive him nuts.
But THEN I get irritated when he’s home and I feel like I’m still working my ass off with the kids, or on the house, and he gets to sit and watch TV or play his DS (because the kids will let him and they won’t let me). In his defense, he does tell me to take some time to do what I want, but if I do that then I just have less time to do the same amount of stuff that needs to be done. Which sucks.
I know that I shouldn’t feel this way with all of the paid, outside help I have. It seems like it should be so much easier. And believe me, I am grateful that we have most of the groceries delivered, much of the laundry sent out, and a cleaning service. And having a nanny will mean that I get to go out alone in cute clothes and meet A for lunch. 
But I’m finding that even with the outsourcing we do, I still spend a lot of time on the damn grocery list, and I usually have to go to the store once a week to get everything they don’t have anyway. Plus, I’m cooking more because I want everyone to have at least one healthy meal a day and it’s expensive to go out. But damn it makes a mess - one that I generally clean up by myself. Most days I feel like all I do is cook, clean, and change diapers or wet pants.
And yes. Having the laundry sent out has definitely made me less stressed, but somehow I don’t feel like it’s given me any more time because, like when I do the laundry we don’t send out, I’m always doing something else in conjunction with it being in the washer or dryer. And the REAL problem is that I seem to be deficient at PUTTING IT AWAY. It’s folded, all right, but it all sits in the dressing room on the counter waiting to be placed in a drawer to keep the one lonely remaining item of clean clothing company. More often than not, I end up dressing the kids from stacks of clean clothing on the counter.
It’s hard to get everything put away with the schedule we keep and I have to keep the kids occupied or we end up with Elena standing on the toilet with L’s electric toothbrush in her mouth. (She’s quite proud of that little move.)
That reminds me…I need to get the DVD player from A and take it up there. I used to do that and it helped. (My kids watch SO many videos now. Eeek!)
Anyway, the cleaning service is fantastic. But cleaning really isn’t my problem. I just can’t seem to keep the house picked up or figure out the right place for everything. And if I do have a place, it’s hard to get it there most of the time because SOMEONE drags out whatever I put away. I guess part of this is just getting used to actually living here as opposed to staying here between trips to the U.S.
As far as the nanny goes, it will be really nice to meet A for lunch occasionally, or catch a movie, or do some shopping, blogging, or something truly leisurely like staying in my pajamas and reading in bed. But it still doesn’t keep the house in order.
As you can see, I’m conflicted. Basically I feel like I can’t win.
And it probably doesn’t help that I have a glorified idea of all of the “leisure” time that A has on any given day.
I have visions of him sitting on the tube listening to music and reading or doing crossword puzzles during his hour-long commute. He ignores everyone around him. (It would be easy because none of them would be whining that they “don’t liiiiiiiiike it,” tormenting the dog, or running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off.)
It sounds so blissful, and yet I know that it’s stinky and sweaty and he can’t always get a seat, etc. (Still, I can stand and play Sudoku.)
Then when he gets to work, I imagine him sitting at a quiet desk with a computer all to himself. (For some reason his coworkers don’t attempt to move the computer or grab the trackball out of the mouse, screaming and pitching a fit when they are thwarted.) Plus, he gets to do something that requires more thought than remembering to grab the wipes to change a poopy diaper.
The most thought I’ve given to my job lately is trying to figure out what craft to do with both kids that doesn’t involve crayons, pencils, markers, or anything else that could be chewed off, up, or swallowed.
And what a treat it would be to have lunch at a restaurant where people wear nice clothes and eat their food, instead of wearing their food and using their clothes as a napkin.
Yeah, I know. I know. It’s not really like this, and in the long term it’s a lot of stress, but I still think a couple of days living like that would carry me through months of what I’m doing now.
Anyhoo, I am smart enough to know that even if I tried to work outside of the home it wouldn’t be like this. I’d probably get on the wrong train and go north to the suburbs instead of south to the city. And wouldn’t I look like a fool in my fancy suit then.
That said, the dilemma still exists:
Do I try to ignore the messy house and blog and do other things that make me happy while the kids are sleeping? Or do I keep the house clean because it will make me less stressed, knowing that I won’t be able to keep up with my blogging or enjoy any leisure time?
Well, if you’re expecting an answer from me, I don’t have one yet.
But no worries mates. I’ll either figure it out or I’ll go insane trying. And I already feel better having just putting it all out there.
Because I know you’re listening, Internet. Right?
