Does it really matter whose fault the vomit is?
Had a couple of people over to watch The Aristocrats Friday night.
I laughed pretty hard - and I’m not one to dole out the laughs lightly. I’d have to say, those comedians are pretty damn funny trying to one-up each other.
After the movie, Aaron turned on his latest DVRd favorite - some sort of Thai boxing match watched sans TV sound, but with Oakenfold playing on the stereo. (You’d be surprised at the timing. I’m pretty sure that Oakenfold was watching the fight in secret when he was Live in “Ibitha.”) I left the guests and A and I went to bed, because I’m a party pooper.
An hour or so later, after I hear clanking around in the kitchen, AJ comes upstairs into the dark bedroom using his cell phone as a flashlight. I turn over and see the phone shaking as he’s carrying it. He crawls in bed, and is trying to laugh silently, but is shaking the entire bed. I tell him I’m awake and he starts cracking up.
Evidently, after I went to bed, AJ and the guests (G1 and G2) settled in to watch a few fights and enjoy the music. AJ loves when it gets bloody so he was regaling the guests with stories of other fights set to other Oakenfold tracks when G1 decides it’s time to go and gets up and leaves the room.
AJ and G2 clean up a bit and when they walk out of the room, G1 is passed out on the stairs. They begin laughing because CLEARLY G1 is faking. There is NO WAY G1 is drunk.
But then Macey, in her second failed attempt at giving Lassie a run for her money, tries to revive G1 by licking the guest’s face incessantly and crawling between the guest’s shoulder and head on the stairs. No movement whatsoever. G1 is out cold and has OBVIOUSLY had more to drink than anyone thought.
G2 and A find this funnier still.
Then…G1 SNORES!
Needless to say, G2 and A laugh HYSTERICALLY.
Shortly following the snore, G1’s mouth opens, and emits vomit.
Suddenly, G2 and A become frightened for G1’s health, cease laughing, and move G1 into the bathroom. AJ cleans up vomit while G1 yells, “Don’t clean it up! I’ll do it.” from the bathroom.
Since G1 is yelling funny things, it’s fine that G2 and A laugh hard, yet again, while A cleans.
So, G1 is in bad shape, but eventually makes it upstairs and goes outside, sits down, and leans against the tire of G2’s car while G2 and A finish cleaning up. And then they leave.
(As an aside, I don’t know it until the next day, but G2 WASHED THE DISHES IN MY SINK. I SO wish I could tell you who G2 is, but I can’t. G2 - you know who you are and I hope you’re feeling the love.)
I laugh as Aaron tells me the story and say again that I had no idea that G1 had that much to drink. I fall asleep next to a man who can not control his giggles or shaking.
So, Saturday we wake up and have a good laugh about it again only to discover later that day that, in fact, G1 was NOT drunk last night. Turns out that G1 has a condition in which one passes out at the mere THOUGHT of blood - not to mention Thai kickboxing amounts of blood paired with the story of the bloodiest match Aaron has ever seen.
Ok, so we’re not laughing anymore.
Granted, G2 and A were unaware of this condition at the time Thai kickboxing with Oakenfold was determined to be to everyone’s viewing pleasure. And, fortunately, G1 did not remember any details of the experience. G1 was, however, thoughtful enough to leave a good-smelling vase of flowers on our doorstep to compensate for the previous gift left on our stairs.
That G1 is as sweet as G2.
Though I do have to say that I’m not really sure that the apology doesn’t need to go both ways. Sure, G1 yakked on the stairs, but it was from a legitimate condition, which rendered G1 incapable of cleaning it up. So, naturally, Aaron cleaned it up. What he didn’t know at the time was that it was his choice of TV shows that caused the mess.
And what about the aftermath of the events of 1/27? It’s quite clearly not JUST about the vomit.
Will G1 now associate Oakenfold with the red stuff? Will that cause loss of enjoyment in G1’s life? Will G1 ever be able to listen to trance again? Or maybe G1’s limit has been tested and there will never be another episode - wouldn’t that be grand?
And will Aaron now be able to change a poopy diaper or clean up L’s vomit without “Oh my god”ding the entire time? Will he remember that when he gets out the OxyClean he should put it back where it belongs after use?
So many questions brought about by vomit to which I do not have answers. But hopefully something good will come out of all of this. How can A and G1 not be better friends after sharing this experience? Yes, I feel goodness coming out of this, for sure.
Oh, and G1, just to make you feel a little better, you should know that I passed out while giving blood in high school. And I peed my pants. A gushing waterfall. In the gym. In front of 30+ of my classmates. I made a loud, large, moppable puddle on the floor. And someone else cleaned it up. So seriously…no worries about the vomit. You’re invited back any time. And now that we know what ails ye, we’ll be sure to have Project Runway, or something of that same, safe ilk DVRd for your viewing pleasure.
Maybe we can watch it to Johnny Cash.
